An Open Letter

I’ve screamed into my pillow, cried till i couldn’t, thrown up and journalled, yet here I am, three months on and your still popping into my mind.  I have this anger that surprises me in unexpected ways, wanting to tell dangerous drivers that are tailing me as i learn to drive to ‘get fucked’.  This anger comes out in short sharp bursts at other people.  When really its you who need to hear the full brunt of it.

You who threw six years of great friendship down the drain and a relationship that could have blossomed, who used me and discarded me as easily as a t.v dinner, you abused not only my trust but my confidence and love.  I would have been happy to have stayed friends, you could have told me you needed your own space and I would have gladley accepted what you wished, instead you faded out of my life in the most horrible way, abusing me and treating me no better than the assholes you never wanted to be.

I’m fuming because I know this is a pattern and you will keep on doing it to women you come across.  I wish you would grow the fuck up and get the help you obviously need.  Thier are obviously issues that are seated deep within your conciousness that you need to work through, but not using women for your own gain and ego would be a start on that process.

I’m angry because I still have all these churning emotions inside of me and I want to let them go.  I wish you a life of happiness  and contentment with whatever you choose to do and I wish the same for myself.

We are obviously on different paths and I gladley would have you continue on alone and still keep the bond of friendship between us.  But you couldn’t handle that and severed it in the most horrible way possible.  you have become the very thing you dispise; An ABUSER.  You will come unstuck one day, I just hope its not to late.

I have taken my leave, it was forced upon me at first, but now I can see clearly and know that I am better off without you and that I deserve someone who has the respect and honesty for women that you don’t

In letting you go I’m loving myself

Peace…. Peace… Peace

funny lenormand glimpse

yesterday I was playing around with my lenormand cards and i pulled two cards that when together meant a marriage proposal (according to Titania’s accompanying book), I laughed as if!!!! Ive been single for roughly three months and have no man in sight.

Cut to the late afternoon and i’m sitting at the local juice bar chatting with the workers, when the owner says to A. ( as a joke) ‘Yeah i was thinking of proposing to you on valentines day’

i didn’t say anything but inwardly laughed at the mischeviousness and cannyness of the cards.

Hot lenormand day

Its going to be so hot here today. I’ve already watered my plants and my wonderful neighbours, so fingers crossed they will hold up. The only veggies that seemed to be handling it are my mini eggplants and Roma tomatos.

I just ordered a Lenormand deck from etsy.com I’ve been eyeing this deck off for a while and bit the bullet and got lesvieuxjours to make it for me. The only issue I have is the bloody exchange rate! Australian dollars to US is awful. What’s all this crap about America having no economy… so the deck is actually costing me Aussie $75. In all honesty for something hand made it isn’t that much but I just thought it would be $55. Ah well Its a good experiance for me, money flows into my life and out… and will come back in.

Aparently Sylvie Steinbach is offering lenormand readings via email and i’m interested. I’ve had tarot readings before, but not a lenormand reading. I haven’t met a professional reader that uses the cards here in Oz although i’m sure there are, i just haven’t come across them yet. I haven’t read her book yet, I’m still wondering wheather I should let my own opinions form about lenormand and see how it goes.

My crochet projects are coming along slowly, mum’s blanket still isn’t finished, I need to get some yellow yarn and then crochet 10 or 20 rows and it will be done Its been my biggest crochet project to date! I did manages to do a line on my lapghan blanket last night so thumbs up for that. I need to remind myself that slow and steady wins the race. Adding another project to my crochet. I promised Lolly that I would make her a small white totoro that she can hang in her car, so it appears i need to go yarn shopping. (nnnnnnnnnnooooo! I don’t want to spend money at the moment)

Anyway i’m off to make breakfast, do some writing practice and then play with my lenormand cards

a bit of a rant I think

I am becoming more and more intrigued by the lenormand cards. I find them fascinating and by this I mean that the cards have such set meanings, the same can be said for tarot, yet in some ways I find the tarot so much easier to work with, this is due to the fact that I have been working for so many years with it.

Still I am in two minds about the lenormand cards. Should I try to remember the set meanings, or just do what i do with tarot and let my intuition and psychic flashes take over.

I was talking to T the other day who owns the local metaphyical shop that has card readers and mediums and the questions people ask always seem to be the same, still I found what people ask disturbing. ” Am I going to die soon?” WTF?! if I read professionally I’d be tempted to be a smart ass and go ‘Yes, we all die eventually’ but then that’s why i’m not a professional reader because sometimes my sarcasm button would take over and that’s not cool. The other questions people ask are ‘Is s/he cheating on me?’ This question always bugs me. Why? because of two reasons when someone asks it they either A) already know the answer or B) have such poor self esteem that they need to ask the question…

I know I’m being a bitch, but sometimes I want to yell at people ‘center yourself, read you own intuition, readers aren’t gods’ and yet I too have been to readers ,hoping that they will give me insight, hoping for just that brief second they will centre me in knowledge.

Koi

Its soooo hot here, some of my plants have died O-o. the beetroot I’ve planted is thriving so that’s something at least hahaha. I’ve been crocheting bits and bobs lately, Lots of tarot and oracle card cases and I’ve got to admit I’m very happy with how they have turned out. Here is a photo:

I’m awaiting a koi button from etsy to put on one of the cases *Sigh* Koi Love.

I went to the botanical gardens with some friends a few days ago and yes you guessed it, they had Koi, swimming around in a pond. This resulted in me Squeeing all the way down to the water and trying to pat them. that part wasn’t successful, but they did nibble on my fingers so it wasn’t all bad

Here is a photo:

I’ve been meaning to get a hold of the books that are about Jason Bourne, I love the movies so I’d like to see if the books are better (Generally books are always better then the movies!) I had better add them to the list of books I need to read.. I already have a bit of a pile, plus I’ve got some books coming from the bookdepository.co.uk

wanting to speak

So much has happened lately. I fell two weeks ago and I thought i broke my arm/hand, when I went down to the E.D it turned out after x-rays it was only sprained, Bloody hurt though. So I haven’t been doing any crocheting which is annoying but also liberating LOL

There are so many things to say… yet I don’t know how to say them

Samuel came to visit me in a dream, its made me so happy.  I miss him so much.  I still have Maximus, whom I adore, but there was just something so comforting about his visit.  Mum is really looking forward to her blanket, i have about 40 more rows to do then it will be complete .  I have also started a lap-ghan blanket for myself which looks really beautiful, I just need to find some different shades of greens to mix in with the blue and make it ‘Pop’

My nastertium has come up, which is great, unfortunately though because of the heat we have been having, my rocket seedlings have died :/ apart from that my other plants are going crazy due to the heat and periodic spurts of rain.  I am going to have to plant some more lemon balm seeds because the ones i put in, don’t seem to be coming up.

In other news I’ve joined up with the FAW  on the isolated writers program.  I am really looking forward to interacting with other writers even if it is correspondence and learning how to critique my work

yarny goodness

I’m up to row 60 on mum’s blanket.  I should do another 60 rows (i think) and then it should be done (hopefully).  I recieved my wonderful secret santa from Binkaboo on ravelry and that has cheered me up so much .  I’m petting the yarn she sent me.  Its dark green and is 70% Angora and 30% lambswool made by  Ixchel.  Now I at least know how to get my bunny fix, I’ll buy some more of her yarn (heeheehee).  Binkaboo also sent me the book Sensual crochet, which is just a dream to look at, beautiful stitch markers, a braclet and smiggle stuff   HUGS.

I’ve gotten so much yarn in the past week, that i’m trying to keep it tidy in my room and sort it into possible projects O-o

If only I could be numb

I woke up at 2am and vomited bright green chunks… I don’t know what of, i hope its not my stomach lining.  I have been crying my eyes out, I went up the street to get some dinner lastnight and I saw my fella drive past with his mates…. 6 Fucking weeks and no response and I see him driving through the town, well I actually got a chance to confront him and I stayed nice and calm and asked if he could have a chat with me…. His response, he looked right through me and said ‘Not now, go away’  as if i’m a deranged gibbering mental patient.  Well I wasn’t having that in front of the store with everyone watching. I said ‘If you don’t want to be in a relationship with someone, you tell them and don’t leave them hanging in silence for six weeks, why didn’t you tell me?’  all whilst i’m saying this he is saying ‘go away go away’  so I looked at him, mustered up my courage and said ‘Fuck you, you piece of shit!’ and walked out, trying not to cry.

I have any reason as to why he treated me like that, I don’t know what i’ve done wrong, but its ripped me into pieces, I feel gutted, like I can’t trust anyone.  How dare he treat me like that!  so now i’m off to  cry once again

the sun shines regardless

Yesterday I recieved the most awesome ROAK from Fibi on Ravelry, it couldn’t have come at a better time ,as I’ve been struggling lately… I got the most awesome haul of smiggle stuff; a journal that cracked me up it says on the front ’straight is overated’  and its all higgeldy piggledy… smiggle pocket pen set, in a spiffy container, highligher with attachted pen and some coloured pencils.. I LOVE IT!! a Gal can never have to much stationary and fibi if your reading this… your kindness made my day

Yesterday when I ducked into st.vinnies, I came out rather surprised as i managed to make a great haul of wool!  I got a whole heap of 8ply wool for mum’s blanket which I have already started to use and I got 6 balls of cleckheaton nature-country spun, for $12… I may see if its enough to crochet the mini wrap skirt in the crochet me book

Yes I’m still in pain… yet the world looks out for you anyway